Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
