Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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