My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I forget how to act sober
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
