you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
