you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
