You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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