I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
