Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
