U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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