i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
