Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My dick has a subreddit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize