I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
