If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
