I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
