Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
