I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
