I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was not drunk enough for that final.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
