I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
