Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
