My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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