I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
