im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Don't make out with my wife yet
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
