you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
