1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
