I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
