So drunk its hurt
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
