When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
