well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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