Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
