He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize