Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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