The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
