Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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