Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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