So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
