I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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