I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
