I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
