I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
