He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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