i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
