So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
