Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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