Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
