i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
