he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
