Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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