We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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