remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
