So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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