How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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