how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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