I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
