it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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