How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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