my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
